recepticle=Thursday, January 30, 2003
first the worst. zero a hero?
not only am i first on german google for "wasted twat", but i am also, almost without exception, the only non-pr0n result. and non-pr0n rhymes.
oh... so this is why my hits have gone down!
- posted by lawrie at 2:59 AM ~ comments
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
all your word are belong to us
jesus john f kennedy dinosaur... i just spent about half an hour replacing all the letters in a winamp skin file... and paint shop pro crashed like a passenger jet full of horrendously obese american housewives that suddenly divebombs because they all ran to the front after they heard there was a twinkie left on the snack trolley. and i was promising myself i'd go to bed just as soon as i did that. nutsack.
now, who can tell me; was zero wing on the sega genesis/megadrive, or was it a nes/snes thing? and if you please, your favourite nes game. it's all important scientific reasearch. please note, mario does not count.
- posted by lawrie at 4:43 AM ~ comments
Monday, January 27, 2003
before i forget
did i ever tell you who killed john f kennedy? no? well then, here it is.
jfk was shot at from at least three different locations, but the bullet that killed him came from his driver, a secret service agent. he fired a wooden, electrically powered gun (specifically built for point-blank, untraceable assasinations) which fired a bullet tipped with shellfish poison. why shellfish poison? because if you shoot the president of the united states of america and he doesn't die.... lucy! you got some 'splainin to do!
so why didn't jackie o say anything? well, she was surrounded by secret service men, the very people responsible for the murder of her husband, and her children were being looked after by members of the same agency. would you say anything in those circumstances? i didn't think so.
i forgot i knew that.
- posted by lawrie at 1:10 AM ~ comments
Friday, January 24, 2003
let's drive around in my jesus monster truck
i found this on a comment on someone else's blog:
jesus was a dinosaur. jesusosaurus. end of story.
- posted by lawrie at 5:03 AM ~ comments
Thursday, January 23, 2003
i n't think i got enough sleep
hey blade (shiggity shiggity schwa), what you did today? WRONG! guess what, i got a bunch of SLEEP! swear to god, i got it in my bed for forty hours of no sleep, eh. yeah, you like that idiot. i got it, you don't shutup. hey guess what, it has new game... i want to play it! it is called broadband. well, good god, they look so goddamn like the same internet, i say to them "you want to download?" aol say "no thanks, i is crap", but broadband he say yes! how in the hell?!
- posted by lawrie at 2:07 PM ~ comments
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
i got it. you don't. shutup.
so, you all know about my sister's party, and the mysterious disappearance of my keys, right? well, yesterday jon and i had a meeting that yen also attended. after said meeting, we headed back to jon's place, and started fucking about with a newer version of a game for our forthcoming online arcade. it's been driving us absolutely batshit, and last night we figured it out... and then before we even finished that, jon started sketching out his ideas for another game. and so we started building that one too.
all of a sudden it was three in the morning, and i'm thinking "oh bob-on-a-biscuit, i've not got any keys to let myself into my house with, and everyone will be mightily pissed if i wake them up now." so i decided, rather wisely i might say, to stay up until seven, when people in my house would be awake, and could let me in. so it gets to about twenty minutes past seven, and between us, jon and have coded most of a fucking brilliant game engine... and within hours of playing with it, jon has instantly become a master actionscript programmer. anyway; i ring my house.... no answer. "maybe they're still asleep, or in the shower." thinks i, and decide to wait until eight o clock. this was a mistake. i ring again at eight... no reply. i ring at twenty past. no reply. twenty to nine. we head out and get some breakfast, yen having gained the most sleep out of the three of us, with his three hours of sleep compared to mine and jon's zero hours of sleep.
we get back from breakfast; i ring my house again... no reply. so i decide to ring my stepdad's restaurant to see if dominica, who usually has wednesdays off college, is working at the coffee shop. nope. and so the ringing continues, with no answering, ever. getting to the point where i have to stab myself in the face with a biscuit to keep from falling asleep, i decide to ring the very nice lady who cleans our house. she does indeed have a set of keys, and will gladly let me in. huzzah!
i arrive at my house, and... oh. my. god. my missing keys are sitting on the windowsill, as if appearing by magic from nowhere. i decide to take a gamble and knock on the door. no answer. jenny hadn't arrived, so i go and see if the back door has been left open. nope. i walk back around to the front... and dominica is standing in the doorway.
me: ...how long have you been here?
dom: all day.
me: are you absolutely fucking joking? did you mayhap hear the telephone ring on eleven seperate occasions?
dom: i was in bed.
me: i last called at quarter past one in the afternoon, and your bed is ten feet away from a portable phone. i have been awake for well over twenty four hours, i'm wearing dirty socks, i have no hair product, and i've been tearing my pubes out because i had no way of getting in. and i'm in a really bad fucking mood right now.
dom: *shrugs* i was in bed.
me: get right the fuck out of my face, before explosions and death scorch your landscape.
and so it was that i am not the happiest fucking bunny in the whole entire world. but in the sleepless hours i did code an absolute fucking monstrosity of a game, especially for our pal olly. had it been a baby, this game would have been drowned by the nurse, and quite rightly so. quite enough said.
- posted by lawrie at 3:07 PM ~ comments
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
please hold: technical difficulties
i'm taking this brief window in the otherwise ever-raging tempest of complete fucking shite that is aol's service to tell you; my adsl modem has arrived. this means that by friday, i will be downloading the internet piece by piece, uninterrupted, and once again regaining the ability to parse dynamic content. hoofuckingray!. the onoly teensy weensy problem is... my modem cable doesn't reach even halfway to the nearest phone socket. BOLLOCKS.
- posted by lawrie at 12:06 PM ~ comments
Thursday, January 16, 2003
a bird pecked my eyes out... and i don't know why
alright, i know this week i've been slack as hell, but i've had good reason; i finally completed great big massive long project which i've been working on since november, and when i've not been doing that, i've been at jon and yen's, working on socket connections in flash. and very shortly i'm leaving for colchester, because mumfy gets back from florence today, and i've been missing her like craziness. so for the next four days, i'm oigng to be pretty much computerless... and i relish the idea. although i actually hate relish. what the hell is wrong with the english language?
- posted by lawrie at 2:20 PM ~ comments
Monday, January 13, 2003
i'm such a bastard
most of my family went to centre parcs for the weekend. for those of you that are foreign to our english ways, centre parcs is like a little oompah loompah village set in a forest where you have to book four months in advance to get a pool table, and be on the waiting list for a badmington court for at least fifteen years, and you live in a little chalet for a weekend, and every day you cycle to a gigantic plastic dome for a swim.
anyway, that's where most of the family went, leaving me and my youngest sister dominica. now, the family go away every year at the same time, and dominica stayed here last year too, and she (obviously) had a party. me and mumfy were staying here, and sleep was not forthcoming. and i become agitated when i don't sleep. and the baseball bat feels very comfortable in my hands. this year however, dominica didn't just have a party; oh no, she completely and utterly took the piss.
i've only just gotten over a month-long bout of insomnia, and it has been a relief for me to be able to go to bed at 1am and go to sleep. last night, this did not happen. as i was frying my bacon for a bacon sandwich, i peered round the corner... and saw 4 guys sitting on the steps outside my front door. i vaguely recognised one of them, so i open the door, and in they trundle, saying dominica had told them to come over, and she would meet them here. one of these boys was extremely wasted, and a bit of a twat to boot.
so they sit in the kitchen while a cook my bacon, the wasted twat repeatedly asking me if i would make him a bacon sandwich. i tried, many times, to politely turn him down. then i had to tell him to "fuck off". then one of the others said "um... there's a bunch of people outside your house, dude." an lo, there was. another four or five. and they were all wasted too. bye bye, bedtime.
so the new lot trundle all shaking my hand, as if this gesture will somehow save them from the evil stares and threats of a severe beating should my house be damaged in any way, shape or form. finally, dominica arrives with another four people. i tell her the rules; no smoking, no one is allowed to touch the piano (as a precautionary measure, i locked both my guitars and my playstation 2 in the room i was sleeping in, and locked the piano room and hid the keys.), no puking, and if anything gets even slightly out of hand, i'm coming down with my baseball bat and everyone is leaving. and i'm going to bed, so please for the love of god try to shut the fuck up.
surprisingly, all of the above happened, plus more. at four thirty in the morning, there are people on my computer, playing the stereo in the lounge incredibly loud, and the stereo in the kitchen, and yelling, and puking, and dying each other's hair purple, and then rubbing their heads against doors, and smoking in the kitchen, and leaving both the front door and the back door open, despite the fact that it's minus four degrees outside.
and so this is why, at five in the morning i was cleaning purple hair dye off my mom's bedroom door with white spirit, turning off the stereos (with baseball in hand, should anyone feel tempted to turn them back on), telling the smokers to get right the fuck out, and popping sleeping pills.
five hours later, and i'm completely awake, because apparently the party didn't stop, and the constant yelling wakes me up. i wait until i hear dominica letting everyone out, then i get up, shower, and inspect the damage; finger marks and blood on the recently-painted hallway wall, curry powder in the lounge carpet, mud all over the kitchen and hall floors, crisps crunched into all carpeted surfaces, and... someone slept on my bed. ordinarily this would not cause me too much concern, however, they failed to move the piles of freshly ironed clothes before they slept on my bed. i was unamused. greatly.
i then spend the next two hours vacuuming everywhere, cleaning brown sauce and fingermarks off the walls, picking cigarette butts from the porch, beer cans from the driveway, all the while getting more and more angry. the fact that i was cleaning up after my little sister didn't bother me so much, but the fact that my fucking keys went missing has driven me absolutely batshit. if they're missing as in honest-to-god lost, then they're lost in the house, and that i can deal with. however, with the number of people going in and out for cigarettes, or making beer runs, and all of a sudden my keys go missing... it makes me very angry.
and so, my mom arrived back tonight, because she has work in the morning. if i was freddie prinze jr, and i was in a teen flick about... whatever the fuck they're usually about, i would personally take the blame for what had happened, thus protecting my sister from parental scorn and generally proving myself to be an all-around good guy.
but i am not freddie prinze jr.
and i actually went out of my way to inform mom of what had happened. that's what real brothers do. chortle.
- posted by lawrie at 1:14 AM ~ comments
Saturday, January 11, 2003
let's get ready to blah blah
i fucking knew this would happen. i brought it upon myself.
that was going to be it for today, since i'm far too busy working on top secret quiz things. and, you know, actual work... *ahem*, but i also decided to mention 397 reviews, which is a nifty lil site that reviews blogs and such. and i want a review. because i'm in constant need for attention. look at me when i'm talking!
oh, and yen; i haven't seen the new star trek film yet, but this morning i did watch battlestar: galactica on sky movies. which is kind of the same. they both have klingons in. no... wait... cylons. i forget which.
- posted by lawrie at 8:21 PM ~ comments
Friday, January 10, 2003
nintendo cat yen sand
bit of a stream-of-consciousness title there, but it's all appropriate. i had a very small epiphany today; it was to epiphanies what a sneeze is to orgasms. if you catch my drift. we have two cats; bob and kiedis. bob is fat and cool. kiedis is small, and a psychotic little bitch. i was wondering just why she's so small, then it struck me; when keidis was very little, i used to put her head in my mouth. you know, for fun. surely if her head growth was restricted, then it follows that body stayed small to compensate, surely? i broke our cat.
i know i've mentioned it before, but i honestly truly really am making another quiz, with a little help from yen. i've even got a title and everything. so hold on to your hats. or if you don't wear a hat, hold on to your pants. if you don't wear pants, then you are dirty. dirty.
oh, and jon; i let you borrow a bag of sand about six months ago to feed your duck. can i have it back please?
- posted by lawrie at 2:05 PM ~ comments
Wednesday, January 08, 2003
feel up the olsen twins
i went out at quarter to ten last night to buy some food and holy jeezum fucking crow was it cold? yes, it was cold. it was, in fact, so cold that when i spoke, the words came out of my mouth as ice cubes, and i had to fry them in a teflon pan to make the audible.
yen mentioned something on my comments yesterday, since i mentioned those horrible little olsen twins in my last post, and it reminded me of something. something terrible. oh boy are my search engine results gonna go through the roof on this one.
about a month and a half ago, me, yen, jon, annabel and olly were wandering around asda buying food and panda cola and stuff, and we stumbled upon a display unit showcasing 'mary-kate & ashley's beauty blast hairdryer'. under any normal human circumstances, this wouldn't get more than a nanosecond of attention and perhaps a swift kick to said product, but there was something that caught my eye.
you know how on some toys in stores they've got a little button or something and a tag that says 'squeeze me belly and make me cry!' or something? well, there was a small hole in the box for the mary-kate & ashley beauty blast hairdryer, big enough to let in a single finger. and the hole was annotated with the legend:
TOUCH MY SOFT SURFACE
need i say more? dirty, dirty, dirty.
update:
i just realised that the 2003 bloggies are open, and there's only 4 days to get your submissions in! i realise i stand more chance of winning miss world if i put on an ashley olsen mask and hold my willy between my legs, but if you were feeling lovely and generous, and wanted to nominate me for any of the following categories: best non-weblog content of a weblog site, best tagline of a weblog (umm... yeah. whatever.) most humorous weblog, best designed weblog or best kept-secret weblog, then i would be eternally grateful.
hit-whore? me? wha?
- posted by lawrie at 2:50 PM ~ comments
Tuesday, January 07, 2003
baby, it's cold outside
i'm lonely and my toes are cold. and i'll tell you something for nothing; asda's 'soup-a-slim' spicy lentil and tomato packet soup tastes like absolute fucking garbage.
i've recently been thinking hard about blogging, and what it's all about. it seems to me that some of the most popular weblogs (mr tom coates being a perfect example) offer well thought-out critique and commentary on the development of online communities, weblogging culture and the philosophy of a truly communal web.
always interesting and thought-provoking, these essays enlighten the reader on topics that had perhaps not been considered fully before, if at all. and as i wandered down these glossy weblog streets with their gritty-content shops, i wondered if i were perhaps too trivial; naught but a tip of frothy meringue floating lightly above the truly turgid lemon curd and biscuit-crumble foundation laid down by people with important things to say and great opinions to proffer.
then i started thinking about making another quiz.
and then i thought about barry's blog, and how his social commentary centres mainly around all the complete fucking idiots with which we have to share this planet. those are the kinds of thoughts that rage through my mind on a daily basis. that's the kind of thing i stay on read. because as interesting as social commentary can be, it's just not funny. and i need to laugh every day, or people die. starting with you. *points at the guy with the beard and the mary-kate & ashley t-shirt* you're dead meat, buddy-boy.
- posted by lawrie at 3:36 PM ~ comments
Sunday, January 05, 2003
huzzah of many things!
barry is back! i feel better! mostly! i have a fourth nipple!
other than that, mumfy is off to florence, and i am sad. i shall have to throw myself full force into completing mumfy's kitten adventures. you know, there was already an attack feature in the game; a function labelled supergirlkick (). i think i'm just going to reinstate that, if you all really need to kill the innocent little penguins. if you have no idea what i'm talking about, here's the alpha test.
*cough*affordablethingsonwishlist*cough*
oh, and jon, i sold all of your teeth. it's this excellent contract, it's all signed - i just have to deliver them to california by the end of the month. thanks, man.
- posted by lawrie at 12:00 PM ~ comments
Thursday, January 02, 2003
nnnnhheeeeeeeeeurgh
when i woke up this morning (again with the blues-riff joke) my mouth felt and tasted as though someone had poured a bucket of luke-warm snot inside and then used a hair dryer to to bake it all to a glossy varnish. that's right, my children, i still feel like ten shades of shite, and if it wasn't for mumfy, i think i'd be huddled in a corner, hugging my knees and crying from the pain and torture of illness. i'm not ill very often, so i get to complain like a motherfucker when i am.
"john and mary had never met. they were like two hummingbirds who had also never met."
this, and other brilliant analogies here.
- posted by lawrie at 7:56 PM ~ comments
Wednesday, January 01, 2003
happy new year, you perfectly healthy bastards
and firstly, my most sincere apologies to annabel and jon for never making it over last night; i have gastric flu, and by the time we gave up and got back home, i was shivering and starting to hallucinate.
so, let my tell you about this great new exercise i discovered; i call it the squit squats. here's a summary of yesterday: wake up. feel gross. go to the toilet. dribble. wash hands. bowel cramps! go back to the toilet. wash hands. have shower. go to the toilet. wash hands. get dressed. curse emily's sister for giving me the plague. go to the toilet. wash hands. get dressed. leave for birmingham. drive around for two hours as the police have cut off all routes to annabel's house. bowel cramps! drive home. go to the toilet. wash hands. climb into bed at 7.30. start to hallucinate that i am russia. finally drift off to sleep.
and i'm still not one hundred percent. so that's what there was no new year's eve post. sorry. and thanks for that record-breaking number of comments, you crazy, crazy people. snowballs! why didn't i think of that? although, there's also going to be a forest level, and possibly a caribbean and/or factory level. snowballs no longer appropriate.
oooh! and new things on my wishlist! including a generator, and a segway. arf.
- posted by lawrie at 3:05 PM ~ comments