recepticle=Thursday, October 30, 2003
PUMPKIN'D!
have a hallowe'en skin.
i'm away for the weekend, so this shall remain until monday. ha ha.
- posted by lawrie at 11:56 PM ~ comments
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
and for my next trick... the truffle shuffle
today, i went and bought a rowing machine. the reason for this is because, in a nutshell, i got fat. i mean, i didn't get fat inside a nutshell, because that would be stupid. and impossible.
so anyway, my girlfriend mumfy insists that i'm not fat at all, which is one of the many millions of reasons why i love her. but i think i got fat, so today i went to scumshop argos to purchase my new aide to cardiovascular fitness. brilliantly, i chose the only rowing machine that they actually had in the store that they didn't insist upon delivering, because it was 'lightweight and easy to carry'.
LIE.
just how in the holy hallowee'en fuck is a rowing machine ever going to be lightweight and easy to carry? i'm going to write to argos and demand they change this description to "lightweight and easy to carry for about ten feet, then very, very hard to carry for the rest of the mile and a half, where you parked your car up a hill."
and then (of course) there's the gawkers. "careful mate, that's fragile!" yes, ha. ha. i bet your skull is more fragile. "you want to try carrying it on your head!" oh yes! of course i do! wait a minute... it's not a basket of fruit! it's a fucking rowing machine. and when i finally reach my car, i remember that i own a mini. and the rowing machine is decidedly not mini. fifteen minutes later, having removed all the unnecessary packaging (which, had i removed before i lugged it halfway across the world, would have made it approximately a trillion times easier to carry! woohoo! fuck.) and after making some minor structural changes to my car, i got the fucking thing in and we're homeward bound.
total calories burned: 900
it's working already! in six weeks time i will be posting before and after shots. unless there's no change. then i will never speak of it again and quietly go about my way being a fatty.
- posted by lawrie at 3:24 PM ~ comments
Monday, October 27, 2003
when you have nothing to say...
say nothing at all. at least, i think that's what ronan keating said. i can never tell, because when he sings, he sounds like he's trying to swallow a chaffinch at the same time.
because i have nothing even remotely interesting to tell you until (perhaps) tomorrow, i will instead post, in no particular order, my last eight comments on other people's blogs. out of context and out to lunch.
that would have been a better title.
actually, i just decided i'm not going to do that at all. this post stands up well on it's own without any filler. i could release it as a single.
okay, maybe two. annabel is the pioneer of the world's biggest gangbang series. I AM EXPLODING!
- posted by lawrie at 3:36 PM ~ comments
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
closet conspiracy theorist
i wouldn't say that i'm naturally a paranoid person; on the whole, i tend to be either completely blase or completely oblivious, but rarely paranoid.
that said, my mind has been given to making horrifically long leaps of faith, and today was a perfect example. i was driving along a particular stretch of road where the speed limit is thirty; i'm pretty conscientious about my driving, and i'll always try and stick to the limit, give or 5mph or so.
so, i'm driving along, and notice that i'm doing thirty-five, and going down a hill, so i tap on the brake to slow down a little. my speed drops for a fraction of a second, then i'm immediately back up to thirty-five. must be the incline in the road. i step on my brake a little harder. i slow again, but only for a second, and without my foot being on the accelerator at all, my speed immediately climbs back up to thirty-five. and i'm heading for some lights. i take my feet completely off the pedals; i'm now on a flat straight, and my mini cooper isn't slowing down. at all. it's driving itself.
so, in those few seconds, with my feet nowhere near the pedals, staring dumbly at my car's interior, wondering just what in the holy blue fuck is going on, the following possibilities run through my mind:
a: there is a tragic mechanical fault with the car, and it will keep driving itself forever.
b: someone has made alterations to my car so that it cannot be stopped, in an attempt to assassinate me.
c: someone has made alterations to my car that allow them to drive it remotely, and are deriving some form of masochistic pleasure from driving me at a steady thirty-five miles per hour.
i changed down into third, the engiine constantly revving, despite the fact that my foot was still nowhere near the go pedal, and it slows down to thirty. and that's all. fortunately, having been blessed with a brilliant mind and intuitive, lightening-quick reactions, i hooked my foot underneath the accelerator and pulled up, despite the fact that it didn't appear to move at all. problem solved! and it only took me about three minutes to figure out, all the while the car not under my direct control.
i have another conspiracy theory tale for you from years ago, but this post turned out longer than i imagined, so i'll tell you tomorrow. but does this make me paranoid?
- posted by lawrie at 11:04 AM ~ comments
Sunday, October 19, 2003
blog haiku
blogging in haiku
(japanese 'tanka', of course)
makes me seem smarter.
so i can say anything
without saying anything.
i am a lot like haiku;
short, japanese and pointless.
it makes me want to
read it like a robot would.
fragment. fragment. fragment. frag...
ment. meant. mean. me. i.
it's shit like that makes me
sound like a poet.
when, in fact, all i am is
a robot. fragment. fragment.
this was meant to sound
twee and stupid and silly.
cappucino froth.
but, for some fucking reason,
it doesn't. damn you, haiku.
- posted by lawrie at 9:56 PM ~ comments
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
in the future, there will be robots
because i believe passionately in a bit of common fucking courtesy and replying to people when somebody says something to you, regardless of whether it's in person or not, i'd like you all to welcome nick to my small collection of links.
i'd also like to tell you how much i fucking hate camwhores. i went bloghopping for about five minutes, followed a link onto someone's blog and then BAM! camwhore central. i'm not kidding; about five popups, all with referral links from the original site i'd clicked on, including many varied and wonderful sites like camwhore.com, imaBigOldCamSlut.net, slutOnCamEvenThoughIHaveABoyfriendAndISmokeWeedButNooneEmailMeOrContactMeAskingMeToGoNakedOnCamEvenThoughIDoBecauseImAStupidFuckingWhore.com.
"click below to donate money to my site via paypal! i won't do anything for you if you do donate, except maybe buy some shoes. and don't ask me to post camshots of me in my underwear! click below for a picture of me in my underwear!"
fuck! fucking hate camwhores! i want to destroy them with lasers mounted on top of tanks driven by laser-toting, nuclear-powered jet-propelled robots! with machine guns in their feet! beware lawrie's robot army of camwhore death!
- posted by lawrie at 4:19 PM ~ comments
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
now make mumfy some cake
hello, bitches. today is my girlie mumfy's twenty-first birthday. so i would like you all to send lovely messages and pictures of kittens to her. do it now.
other than that, i've been working like a motherfucker after recovering from what can only be described as bubonic leprosy. i was that bad. projectile vomiting, teeth and eyeballs falling out, skin flaking off in sheets, pregnancy and orangeness were just a few of the symptoms i've been experiencing since thursday night.
but, like a prize fighter shot up to the roots of his hair on steroids and morpine to numb the pain of the inevitiable destruction of his organs and the resulting internal bleeding, i bounced back into the ring to complete a promo microsite for american very-country artist shelby lynne. when it goes up, i'll post a link. right now, i've got to get my shit together and finish working on something else. i'll tell you about it when it's done.
- posted by lawrie at 9:31 AM ~ comments
Friday, October 10, 2003
rocket ship spangle RHINO
i have the flu. i am unimpressed. i woke up at about 6am this morning with the insides of my nose caked to the sinuses in snot and feeling like i wanted to die. i feel a little bit better now after a hearty breakfast of ibuprofen, and nick made me a cake.
thanks for the thought man, but seriously - just looking at that makes me want to vomit. in fact, just being in a house where i know there's some food makes me want to vomit. excuse me.
- posted by lawrie at 8:51 AM ~ comments
Thursday, October 09, 2003
i drive my legs
"i feeeeeel like total and absolute motherfuckin shit i wanna kill myself with an oo-oo-oo-uzi.... blues"
"feel like shit blues" - lawrie malen, 1998
i feel fucking rank. this is what i look like. and that's when i was feeling fine. don't ask. i don't want to explain to you the need for that picture to exist. but trust me, there is a need. and by november, you'll all be thanking me for taking that picture.
now i'm going to bed and dreaming of ibuprofen.
- posted by lawrie at 11:42 PM ~ comments
Monday, October 06, 2003
how do i make a link to another webpage?
a very short one tonight, since i need to draw some dance moves: me and olly at olly's birthday, and me and olly at olly's birthday again.
i don't drink. i just look like that.
- posted by lawrie at 11:09 PM ~ comments
Saturday, October 04, 2003
'endiment' is my new favourite word
'asperities' used to be my favourite word. now it is 'endiment'. i'd like you to note that 'endiment' isn't actually word at all, but it is, nonetheless, brilliant.
changes have been made; i've removed asteroids from the avatar arcade because it was, in a monosyllabic, fucked. i've also stopped accepting your sandwiches; thankyou to everyone who did submit a sandwich to me (this thankyou does not include the seventeen thousand 'peanut-butter-and-jelly' submissions i received).
i've added some helpful descriptions to the links below, just in case you'd like to know something about who you're going to visit, and i added a brand new link; say hello to alexandra kleeman who writes very well, has an author-type name, and has a green site. bonus!
a lobster's eyes are different to mammalian ones in that they can look into the future. hence the phrase "beware the eye of the lobster".
- posted by lawrie at 6:45 PM ~ comments
Friday, October 03, 2003
gimme the beat boys and free my soul
i wanna get lost in the rock and roolll and drift away... yeeeaaaahh. yesterday, i became an uncle. my eldest sister, bianca, had a screaming baby boy. since niehter bianca nor my brother-in-law rupert had actually thought of a boy's name, i have taken it upon myself to name the baby donut horatio endiment rossa-willis. and believe me when i say that rossa-willis really will be it's last name.
in other news, my latest single lamsphade revolution: fire in the hoohah pt. 1 has made it to number seven in the uk charts, and you can see me on 'top of the pops' on bbc1 from 7.30pm.
- posted by lawrie at 5:48 PM ~ comments