recepticle=Tuesday, November 30, 2004
"i'm washing my hair. you should too."
emily and i went to see 'the forgotten' at the weekend. alarmed as i constantly am by the declining iq of the movie-going public, which appears to be inversely proportional to their rudeness and personal hygiene, i was temporarily thrown out of stride as i emitted my psychic waves of disdain by a commercial for perfume.
obviously, with the celebration of jesus christ superstar drawing ever-nearer, there has been an abundance of perfume commercials on, not least of which is the four-part chanel no. 5 miniseries directed by baz luhrmann and starring nicole kidman which, i'm led to believe, cost $14 trillion, and for which miss kidman received her own dimension to live in. these adverts are a not-so subtle way of saying "buy your wife some perfume because girls like to smell pretty and you clearly can't think of anything else to buy her, you unimaginative waste of life."
however, it appears that cacharel's take on this has been slightly different. as i sat in the sticky cinema seat, i struggled to fathom exactly what the advert was telling me. it goes thus: girl is in a bar. sees a boy she likes. gets her bottle of amor amor. throws it across the room without so much as a single spritz. gets boy. the end.
the fact that she refuses to use the perfume, yet still gets the boy suggests to me that amor amor by cacharel smells like penguin piss. she gets the bottle, scopes her target, thinks "hmm, boys don't really like the smell of marine bird faeces, so... fuck this." and lobs bottle of piss across room.
that advert confused me so much that i immediately went out, bought some and drank the whole bottle. yummers!
- posted by lawrie at 3:23 PM ~ comments
Friday, November 26, 2004
it came without warning
...so no-one knew what to do. did nick drake recently die? again? despite having a copy of saturday sun in my small sounds collection for over six months, i've recently been getting an absolute whoreload of hits for nick drake media files on alltheweb and altavista's media search engine. it may have something to do with the fact that itunes have recently started offering nick drake mp3s... so here's a tip for you intrepid mp3 hunters: go to itunes, fuckbiscuits. (or you could always avoid itunes like the fucking plague, depending on your preference.)
in addition, emily just fired her bosses and has got a new job as manager of the nottingham royal playhouse and theatre royal. here's emily's wishlist. buy her pretty things.
- posted by lawrie at 1:59 PM ~ comments
Friday, November 19, 2004
you're gonna die
are you ready for this years biggest surprise? i don't think you are. i don't think you're prepared enough. perhaps you need to take a preparation pill. some preparation h? i'm not entirely sure what that is, but i have a sneaking suspicion that it's ass-cream.
hopefully i haven't typed so much to ruin the awesomeness of this surprise for you. are you gagging to know? are you practically retching on your own anticipation?
it's william shatner. it's william shatner and his fucking awesome new album. i honestly can't thank liam enough for introducing me to this most tasty of audio biscuits. it's like an oreo on record. go to my small audio collection and download the first track there, which is the first track on his album has been, a cover of pulp's common people featuring joe jackson. then you have to go buy it!
i'm listening to you'll have time right now, and i can't decide between this and together as my favourite track on this album. the latter actually makes me shudder in an absolutely awesome way; in the same way have it all by the foo fighters makes me feel elated when it hits the chorus.
a william shatner song makes me shudder. now that's a surprise.
- posted by lawrie at 1:40 PM ~ comments
Sunday, November 14, 2004
citroens in disguise
whilst terminator 3: return of the governator was on this evening, they showed a commercial in which a citroen turns into a robot and starts dancing. i missed this, and didn't believe mumfy when she told me; but lo and behold! here it is.
if the citroen c4 actually did this, i would buy one tomorrow. unfortunately, i'm pretty sure it doesn't, so i'm sticking to my sinclair c5.
- posted by lawrie at 11:15 PM ~ comments
Thursday, November 11, 2004
the melancholy of the ineffectual
the subject line of yesterday's post was the first line of a poem called 'childe roland to the dark tower came' by robert browning. today, i discovered a site containing almost 2000 pictures of americans saying sorry to the rest of the world. at first, i thought it was cute and funny, and actually made me feel a little bit better about what had happened. then, as i looked at more and more pictures, including a soldier in fallujah holding up a sign, and a woman with her baby, holding a sign that said "i didn't want this for my son, i didn't want this for you - i am very, very sorry", it just made me feel really sad.
i don't often do emo, so bear with me; here's the first stanza of 'childe roland to the dark tower came'. it suddenly felt a thousand times more appropriate in this post.
my first thought was, he lied in every word,
that hoary old cripple, with malicious eye
askance to watch the working of his lie
on mine, and mouth scarce able to afford
suppression of the glee, that pursed and scored
its edge, at one more victim gained thereby.
- posted by lawrie at 2:48 PM ~ comments
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
my first thought was, he lied in every word
let me illustrate to you an all-too typical work timeline for me:
day 1: for £150, lawrie creates an two-page layout for client with a lovely, warm sepia-slash-caffe latte colour scheme.
client says: BRANG! the logo colour needs to be different
day 5: not only is logo colour changed; entire thing rebuilt in flash with dynamic back end and uber animatronics.
client says: BURP! don't like the colour scheme. also, each section needs to have it's own logo (what?). unfortunately, we only have these in monochrome seventh-generation photocopies that we scanned at 50dpi.
day 8: colour scheme changed dramatically, all data added for various different sections, and all new logos added, redrawn by hand.
clients says: 44 days pass by, and then... VOIP! all the sections need to be different from what we originally said, don't use all those logos, and here, have some word documents with excel-generated graphs in them that mean absolutely nothing. also, we'd like this page to have a purple background, with alternating red, yellow and blue text on it. yes, that's right, all the most unreadable colours together on one page. no, i'm not making this shit up.
day 57: all new sections added at great length and great personal loss to self-worth and sense of right and wrong.
client says: 19 days pass by, and then... LOLZ! we don't like the colours. here are some amendments; we've taped dulux colour swatches to them so you can get the colours right. also, we want a content management system so that we can update information, add photos and travel back in time.
trying not to let any personal resentment cloud my opinion, i believe this client needs to be dressed up like a whore, dragged into an alley, stabbed in the heart and left to die, crying and alone, choking to death on their own agony.
- posted by lawrie at 3:13 PM ~ comments
Monday, November 08, 2004
be heard; bee herd
i've just added a commenting function for my photos and illustrations, so feel free to critique my work and, uh... my face?
*rethinks this whole idea*
- posted by lawrie at 1:26 AM ~ comments
Sunday, November 07, 2004
download joy at your convenience
me and emily went to see the rather excellent zil tonight. after the third song, singer roo announced:
"someone told me the other day that zil are the coolest thing going in leicester.
...
that's not a compliment."
brilliant.
- posted by lawrie at 1:29 AM ~ comments
Friday, November 05, 2004
san andreas cheats!
saying that grand theft auto: san andreas is my own personal crack habit is a bit like saying that himmler didn't like jews very much. last night i spent four and a half hours wandering around los santos spraying all the tags. guess how many i got? that's right! 98 out of 100. in my frustration i began to blindly mash the controller and accidentally triggered a cheat. a couple of hours and some sore fingers later, i managed to document the following cheats for your san andreas gaming enhancement. henjoy!
1) get 140 out 100 sprayed tags: up down left in out triangle square triangle square R1 R1
2) get 100%25 with denise and get her to shut the fuck up on a date: R1 R2 up down left right up down left right circle hexagon
3) drive a skyscraper (note: a skyscraper has the same car weight as a rhino tank and the same speed as a banshee): triangle triangle triangle triangle up down left right a b start.
for that last cheat, replace triangle with rhombus to enable the skyscraper to fly, trapezoid to get it to float on water, and mandelbrot to turn it into a time machine where you can go back to november 5th 1955.
- posted by lawrie at 2:19 PM ~ comments
Thursday, November 04, 2004
no more years!
hooray! john kerry won the presidential race, and now america is safe from the oil-and-blood-stained hands of its former tyrant!
*wakes up*
oh. shit.
shit.
- posted by lawrie at 1:50 AM ~ comments
Monday, November 01, 2004
bling bling cha-ching
i received grand theft auto: san andreas in the post on friday. for the most part i have been a bit rubbish at acquiring new territories, i've been dying a lot when i've been involved in turf wars, and i can't keep my girlfriend happy to save my freakin' life (that is, my girlfriend in the game, not my real proper girlfriend; and i know you're asking yourself right now how i managed to keep that one). but nuts to you all, because i managed to acquire over forty-four million dollars in one day!
although, for some reason, apparently i can't buy my girlfriend's happiness. what's wrong with her?
- posted by lawrie at 9:02 PM ~ comments